fear and other thoughts in the sun

It finally feels like summer, the breeze giving sweet release from the hot bright sun. The insects, the wind in the leaves, the multitude of bird songs and children running and balls bouncing - it is all full of life and noise and calm and chaos.

I guess it’s strange, these contrasting moods and dynamics coexisting in the same space and time. I’m learning, and it’s a challenge, that there is no black or white, no separation. Everything exists in (dis)harmony in the same moment and we can switch our gaze, transform our thoughts and see another truth.

Life and death, fear and calm, sadness and joy, certainty and chaos. How can I embrace this reality? When all my life I have grasped to control, and know, and chase. How can I surrender to the passing time and choose to take it slower when I’ve grown up fidgeting and trying to do more, please more, never reaching that good enough point.

I’ve struggled with being accepted and appreciated for me, my humanity with flaws, and wonder, and excitement, and fullness and sometimes too-muchness. But who defines these things, and why am I trying to please external standards that somebody has build somewhere, sometime ..that I can’t even remember. Why is my own heart and my own truth not more important to be trusted and believed than anyone else’s voice?

How do I build the boundaries and doors to open my heart for those who truly want to be there and grow and build with me?

We are all so afraid.. and we don’t even know it. We don’t know how our words, and emotions can be contorted and bent by fear, transformed in fake truth. We are fools thinking that a feeling is valid enough to base decisions on. We don’t know enough about our heart to clearly discern if it comes from our true values or our fears.

There is no real logic, I don’t think, when it comes to human nature. It is all emotions and we try to rationalise them when we just need to feel them, then really look at them with curiosity and wonder ..and try to match them to our own values. It is there we can find certainty and consistency ..not in the fleeting moment of one emotion.

Who do I want to be in this world? What is most important to me? How do I want to live my life, and be remembered and what would make me smile on my death bed? Am I authentic to my soul?

My answer is probably love.. for this world, for wonder and understanding, for fairness and dedication, for birds flying in the sky and the sound of the waves, for each-other and for building something meaningful with someone.

My fear is messing with me all the time, and I get stuck in a dance with someone else’s fear and sometimes the dance is short and other times we can go on and on spinning until we don’t know who we are and when one ends and the other begins.

But I’m not sure that is love..

I’m searching for a human who can see me and can see themselves and we choose to continue dancing and moving, switching control but always holding hands, hands that could let go but choose not to, choose to always reach back.